always, it is well with my soul.

“My God is still in control
And still He reigns on His throne
Though mountains may tremble and sea billows roll
I’ll sing it is well with my soul
My God is still in control”

The above words from Mack Brock’s song “Still in Control” speaks to the season of the past two years. For two years, I prayed for a situation that was out of my control. One day, I’ll be able to share more freely the details of this season, but for right now, it’s something that I only wish to share among close friends+the spiritual mentors and pastors who have walked and prayed by my side. In a world that is very open to share with everyone on the internet, I think it’s sometimes okay to keep the details to your close circle. However, those in my close circle have told me that one day I really should share my testimony, because the story is some kind of miracle, given by a God who has kept me+been so good to me. So, one day, I will. But for now, I just want to encourage someone who has had to face some difficult circumstances that may be out of your own control. Whether it involves your family, your health, your finances, your relationships, etc, today, I want you to know that our God is still in control.

Can I be honest with you for a second, though? I think there is power in our honesty, for it provides the space for us to realize that we are not alone.

For the past two and a half years, I fought and battled it out with God. I had many sleepless nights and was subject to so much emotional turmoil that when I got to church, the very last thing I wanted to do was cry, so I began to close myself off to the Spirit of God, because I was so emotionally drained.  But, even when I became hardened and dry, God kept pouring into me, speaking to me, ministering to me, and revealing to me that sometimes it’s okay to just be still. I went to a seminar recently where the speaker said, “We need to learn to sit in the silence of heaven.” That ministered to me so deeply. Sometimes, our journey with God is just learning to breathe again, taking in deep breaths and letting out all the pain, so that He can bring healing to our overall being.

During the past couple years, there were times when I wanted to give up, when I wondered if it was even worth it to pray, but somewhere deep inside of me, I reached in to the seeds of faith that had been planted from long ago and decided that I would put my trust in God, in that which I could not see.

And now, after all this time, and all the ups and downs, the miracle I started believing for in January of 2017 came to fruition this month. I don’t have words for it all yet, but the songs I was singing during the darkest of nights can now be sung as a sign of victory. To anyone who is an uphill battle, I encourage you to keep singing and praising God until the miracle comes. It is the very thing that will keep you going when all seems lost.

While I don’t ever wish to go back to the beginning of this journey, I am so grateful. Because what I learned along the way is that though we want answers, they aren’t ours to know. The sooner we let go of control and surrender our plans to God, the easier it will be to trust God in the process.

I’ve been reading through old journals and blogposts that I wrote during these past couple years, and while some of it is painful, I have also discovered so much joy and healing through my writing. The only word to describe how I feel right now is an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. The past year, especially, has been a year of growth for me, and God knew all along that the testing was going to produce gold inside of me that would never be able to be taken away by anyone. All I want to do now is share that gold with others. Because, even on the nights when I felt that God was far away, He really was there all along. Although at times, it may have felt as though He wasn’t working, His withholding and His silence was the very thing that was helping me to discover my own strength and become the daughter that He created me to be: a warrior for the Kingdom of God.

I am not the same person who started praying for a miracle two and a half years ago. I am stronger. I am wiser. I am grateful for all that God has taught me+know that He has given me a testimony so that others may come to know Him and experience the healing power of our Savior. There is so much joy bursting through my veins, not just because my answer has finally come, but because in the process, I have found that no matter the circumstances, always, it is well with my soul.

When the miracle comes, you will find that you are not the same person that you were when this journey first began. And, I promise you, from the very bottom of my heart, that you will be so grateful. Through the difficult circumstances of life, it will either make us or break us. Sometimes, it requires both. But, that’s a post for another day. Just remember, the pain is refining us like gold, for God always makes beautiful things out of the dust.

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